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Si bheag, si mohr [ Posted on September 23, 2009 @ 10:23 pm ] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Grizzly Bear ] Things are wonderful. I was wrong to be afraid. I'm learning the hammer dulcimer. My professors are amazing. Photography is going very well. I can process film. I am falling again. My life is balanced. I'm making money. My friends are amazing. I am being creative. Food is delicious again. My room is wonderful. My parents will be here next weekend. Mia will be here in a week. I am eating chocolate pretzels. So much more I could say. tiny cities made of ashes

i don't want to go back v. 2 [ Posted on August 21, 2009 @ 2:01 am ] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Andrew Bird ] I’ve had 10 or 12 anxiety dreams in the past two weeks about going back to school. They’re all like THIS IS AWFUL OH MY FUCKING GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE and beyond. And weird things happen in them. REALLY WEIRD THINGS. Like, in one, my room was a hexagon and I couldn’t fit any furniture in. In another, all my friends ignored me and were wearing surgical masks. And in a last one, my boss for one of my on campus jobs was like “Hey guys, let’s go on a roller coaster!” and I was like “No thanks Sam, I hate roller coasters.” And he was like “WELL INDIA I WILL FIRE YOU IF YOU DON’T GO.” So I endured what felt like an hour long upside roller coaster, screaming the whole way. I usually wake up fucking depressed and my family is like “What’s wrooooonggg” and I’m like “MY BRAIN IS FUCKING WITH ME.” This summer has been too amazing to leave behind. I really don’t want it to be over. Honestly, I cannot illustrate this to you, yes YOU DEAR READER, more. Unless I could come face to face with you and shake you and scream I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK. Then I’d cover myself in lighter fluid, grab a match, burst into flames, and go screaming down the hill. And you’d be like “That is totally why I follow India on tumblr.” * EMO POST DONE. PROBABLY GOING TO DELETE IN THE MORNING. *probably wouldn’t happen. tiny cities made of ashes

i don't want to go back [ Posted on August 21, 2009 @ 1:53 am ] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Andrew Bird ] I've had 10 or 12 anxiety dreams in the past two weeks about going back to school. They're all like THIS IS AWFUL OH MY FUCKING GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE and beyond. I usually wake up fucking depressed and my family is like "What's wrooooonggg" and I'm like "MY BRAIN IS FUCKING WITH ME." This summer has been too amazing to leave behind. I am so nostalgic and freaking upset that it's over. I can't believe it's over. More and more I see the reality of situations. Reality can PBBBTTH SHOVE OFF. I'd rather stay in San Francisco, doing these things:  sleeping in my bed running around neighborhoods sitting in cafes with friends drinking coffee while we plan our nights at clubs, shows, concerts, beaches, or houses. So many more things... Um, shit. Aaah fuck why don't I feel good. tiny cities made of ashes

safer [ Posted on July 20, 2009 @ 1:47 am ] [ mood | drained ] [ music | The Beta Band ] Why am I so scared That the shadows on the wall from yesterday... I turn and tell my dad I saw ghosts in the park wooing girls with cakes And their moms are scared 'Cause they haven't been home in two or three days Wind blows trees through the tops of my hair I saw wolves in the fog, I can see through the rain Oh, man and things have changed In the snow filled lakes where there used to be waves I feel deranged They're building beaches inside so it's sunny on me I don't know, I think it's strange 'Cause I know we met before but I cannot place it I don't know if there's any real danger But the creatures all know that it's safer in the dark 1:48 AM music musings. I find myself here again. Interesting. The world is a roundabout place. tiny cities made of ashes

brain [ Posted on July 18, 2009 @ 10:12 pm ] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | The National ] Where has the time gone and what am I doing and how did I end up with so many websites and why can't I bring myself to make more art and why can't I finish Electric Acid Kool-Aid Test and where is my life and why don't I want to go back to school and why do I want to move to Portland and live on an artist commune? Why would I rather never see anyone I know ever again? Oh fucking god damn it I hate adolescence. This fucking blows. Someone punch me. I am exhausted. I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain. Or somewhere. Anywhere. And I said to myself that I want to do too many things, and you better hope for reincarnation because you'll never fit it all into this lifetime. These past two months of my life, I have realized more than ever that my life is way too short and I hope to live to be 100. I have to do everything. There is just no time. I took a nap and now I'm discombobulated and I feel weird and lost and I miss you so much but part of me would rather just not have to deal with anything ever again. Staying indoors and at home in San Francisco rather than going back to shit hole Vermont feels right and better and more correct, and if I go back there and still hate it I will be more lost than I ever have been in my whole life. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'll never finish Electric Acid Kool-Aid Test. tiny cities made of ashes

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